- It’s complicated
It’s more than just being “sad”
TRIGGER WARNING! Do not read this post if you get easily triggered by posts about severe depression and self harming!
Since roughly 2013 , I have been struggling from depression and anxiety. Last year, in January I started on the depo provera injection for my endometriosis and after the second injection in April my depression and anxiety started getting a lot worse (there is a separate post about the side effects of the depo)
Overtime I noticed my mental health was declining rapidly, with it being even worse from June and in October 2019 I hit rock bottom. My parents had to come pick me up from university multiple times because I wouldn’t eat much and I couldn’t stop crying. I was seeing a health psychologist, who I then started seeing weekly instead of every other week, and she really helped me out as much as possible. From October is when things started rolling downhill, as I stopped going into uni, had no interest in eating, didn’t want to move out of bed at all, didn’t want to see anybody or talk to anyone.
I started self harming again, after a long break, roughly 6-9 months gap. This really upset me because I felt like I was doing so well and it all just ended in that moment. I am so grateful for having amazing friends around who tried their best to help me out. However, nothing was working for me. My physical health was also declining, I had things that just were going all kinds of wrong in my personal life, it felt as tho I was falling so behind with university that I couldn’t see myself catching up or doing well or even graduating this year (which I didn’t as i took temporary leave). I was so drained out mentally and physically, I had just given up.
We are now in July, going into August. I would say my absolute worst months were October-April 2020. As I had to move back home to London I couldn’t see my health psychologist anymore as she was too far away, and I am still waiting on trying to see someone in London. It has taken A LOT of work to get here. I’m still not completely “okay”, i have down days which sometimes only last the one day or last a few days. However, I learnt that it is not a bad thing at all. I am still healing and it will take some time.
It is so important for people to understand that depression isn’t just about being sad. It is so much more to that. It is absolutely draining. Nothing in your world feels right. You have no energy mentally or physically. You can have an amazing support system around but still feel so alone. Having anxiety with depression feels even worse as you feel as though everyone hates you and you’re a burden.
It is also important to realise YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN! It takes strength to try and get up from the hole and try to heal and find yourself again. I’m still learning to work on myself and I have a really long way to go. If anybody ever needs to talk please do not hesitate to message me or there are also a number of mental health helplines available 24/7.